Encourage Children to Express Their Feelings

[:en]Raise a confident child by teaching them to express their feelings comfortably. Expressing feelings comfortably does not mean the child is free to explode at every emotional twinge, but rather develops a comfortable balance between expressing and controlling feelings. She should eventually be able to keep a lid on her emotions when needed, but not so tightly that she can’t remove the lid in a “safe” setting, such as exercising (i.e., run like mad to blow off steam), or with a trustworthy friend. All babies freely express their feelings. Maturity develops through years of learning how to stay calm in difficult situations. A child with unbridled emotions becomes a brat. A person who never expresses emotions becomes too reserved. Too much control or too much emoting will both produce problems in adult life. Stuffing feelings doesn’t do any good for the child, the parents, or the relationship. It tells the child that you are threatened by her feelings, or she gets the message that you don’t care to understand her feelings. The child picks up on your attitude and learns that expressing or even having feelings is not okay. The child decides that the feelings that accompany the ups and downs of her daily life are not worthwhile. In a child’s logic, if her feelings are not worthwhile, she is not worthwhile. If this unfeeling pattern repeats itself over and over, the child quickly learns both to suppress the feelings and especially to hide them from her parents.

Even more devastating than being uncaring is responding to a child’s feelings with anger messages, “I don’t want to hear any more bellowing about that stupid fish!” The fear of parents’ reactions to her feelings turns a child into a feeling stuffer.

On the positive side, picture what happens when a child feels free to express herself and a parent accepts her feelings. Consider this example: “Daddy, the necklace Grandma gave me for my birthday broke.” Dad stops what he is doing and focuses on his child, looking into her eyes and placing his hand around her shoulder. He says, “I’m sorry. That was such a special necklace.” Both his verbal and his body language convey: “I am available to you; your feelings are important to me. You are important to me.” His reaction frees the child to tell him more about her feelings and to work through them by talking to him. Instead of retreating into her shell or erupting into a tantrum, she has been given a way to express her sorrow. And he has boosted her self-worth by accepting her feelings, which are a reflection of herself.[:zh]Raise a confident child by teaching them to express their feelings comfortably. Expressing feelings comfortably does not mean the child is free to explode at every emotional twinge, but rather develops a comfortable balance between expressing and controlling feelings. She should eventually be able to keep a lid on her emotions when needed, but not so tightly that she can’t remove the lid in a “safe” setting, such as exercising (i.e., run like mad to blow off steam), or with a trustworthy friend. All babies freely express their feelings. Maturity develops through years of learning how to stay calm in difficult situations. A child with unbridled emotions becomes a brat. A person who never expresses emotions becomes too reserved. Too much control or too much emoting will both produce problems in adult life. Stuffing feelings doesn’t do any good for the child, the parents, or the relationship. It tells the child that you are threatened by her feelings, or she gets the message that you don’t care to understand her feelings. The child picks up on your attitude and learns that expressing or even having feelings is not okay. The child decides that the feelings that accompany the ups and downs of her daily life are not worthwhile. In a child’s logic, if her feelings are not worthwhile, she is not worthwhile. If this unfeeling pattern repeats itself over and over, the child quickly learns both to suppress the feelings and especially to hide them from her parents.

Even more devastating than being uncaring is responding to a child’s feelings with anger messages, “I don’t want to hear any more bellowing about that stupid fish!” The fear of parents’ reactions to her feelings turns a child into a feeling stuffer.

On the positive side, picture what happens when a child feels free to express herself and a parent accepts her feelings. Consider this example: “Daddy, the necklace Grandma gave me for my birthday broke.” Dad stops what he is doing and focuses on his child, looking into her eyes and placing his hand around her shoulder. He says, “I’m sorry. That was such a special necklace.” Both his verbal and his body language convey: “I am available to you; your feelings are important to me. You are important to me.” His reaction frees the child to tell him more about her feelings and to work through them by talking to him. Instead of retreating into her shell or erupting into a tantrum, she has been given a way to express her sorrow. And he has boosted her self-worth by accepting her feelings, which are a reflection of herself.[:id] 

Raise a confident child by teaching them to express their feelings comfortably. Expressing feelings comfortably does not mean the child is free to explode at every emotional twinge, but rather develops a comfortable balance between expressing and controlling feelings. She should eventually be able to keep a lid on her emotions when needed, but not so tightly that she can’t remove the lid in a “safe” setting, such as exercising (i.e., run like mad to blow off steam), or with a trustworthy friend. All babies freely express their feelings. Maturity develops through years of learning how to stay calm in difficult situations. A child with unbridled emotions becomes a brat. A person who never expresses emotions becomes too reserved. Too much control or too much emoting will both produce problems in adult life. Stuffing feelings doesn’t do any good for the child, the parents, or the relationship. It tells the child that you are threatened by her feelings, or she gets the message that you don’t care to understand her feelings. The child picks up on your attitude and learns that expressing or even having feelings is not okay. The child decides that the feelings that accompany the ups and downs of her daily life are not worthwhile. In a child’s logic, if her feelings are not worthwhile, she is not worthwhile. If this unfeeling pattern repeats itself over and over, the child quickly learns both to suppress the feelings and especially to hide them from her parents.

Even more devastating than being uncaring is responding to a child’s feelings with anger messages, “I don’t want to hear any more bellowing about that stupid fish!” The fear of parents’ reactions to her feelings turns a child into a feeling stuffer.

On the positive side, picture what happens when a child feels free to express herself and a parent accepts her feelings. Consider this example: “Daddy, the necklace Grandma gave me for my birthday broke.” Dad stops what he is doing and focuses on his child, looking into her eyes and placing his hand around her shoulder. He says, “I’m sorry. That was such a special necklace.” Both his verbal and his body language convey: “I am available to you; your feelings are important to me. You are important to me.” His reaction frees the child to tell him more about her feelings and to work through them by talking to him. Instead of retreating into her shell or erupting into a tantrum, she has been given a way to express her sorrow. And he has boosted her self-worth by accepting her feelings, which are a reflection of herself.[:]